Everyone Has Parents, Right?

My mom has spent some time wondering where she went wrong. Her son, when asked about kids, says “adopt.” Somewhere in her head a tribunal is in session, and she is the defendant.

So in fairness to her, and to everyone else who has asked, here’s the case file. Let me rewind.

The evening I was 13

One evening she said something to 13-year-old me. That if she were financially stable enough, she would have adopted another kid. Not in those exact words, but in that spirit.

I didn’t get it. Why would anyone need to be adopted? Everyone has parents, right? Like me? It took growing up to realize not everyone is that fortunate. Life happens, people make mistakes, and apparently there are a lot of them.

But the sentence stayed with me, and it pushed me into a spiral of looking for answers about adoption. Heavy hobby for a teenager.

How I became a why-machine

Blame the movies. They made me curious enough to ask certain questions, which is a risky thing to do to a kid. They introduced me to ideas that weren’t exactly trending in the social circles I grew up in. Most of my thoughts about life, people and purpose came from films, from watching people, and from asking why until someone left the room.

I was also lucky to have a grandmom who told me stories about morals and ethics. My mom and I talked a lot too. Which makes it a little unfortunate that I grew into a person with a completely different worldview from hers, and that it strained our relationship. I guess that’s part of parenting. Nobody reads the clause that says your kid may form opinions.

Two films

Nobody in my social circle had adopted anyone. But Kannathil Muthamittal by Mani Ratnam left an aftertaste I couldn’t shake. Then Capernaum landed on my watchlist and made me ask a bigger question. Why bring a life into the world that doesn’t need to exist in the first place?

If you haven’t seen it: Capernaum is the story of Zain, a boy from war-torn Lebanon, who sues his parents for giving him life. Yes, really. Keep tissues nearby, and maybe don’t pick it for a first date.

As a species, we are biologically driven to reproduce, for the continuity of the species. That’s the fundamental of it. To me it felt selfish to bring a new life into the world and give it all the love and care, and spend years raising it, when a child who is already out there, through no mistake of their own, still needs that same love and care.

Over the years the people I met and the things I saw only reinforced it. The whole species is busily making sure the species continues. So at least let me make one conscious choice. Let me not bring a life into the world, and take care of one or two who need someone’s attention. I’m fully aware this is not the most popular thing to say at a family wedding.

Back to court

The woman who told a 13-year-old she would have adopted if she could was the one who couldn’t process it when her son said he didn’t want to bring a child into the world and would rather adopt one. What an irony. The court is adjourned.

Exhibit B: my dating profile

Dating gets tricky when you have strong values. “Loves treks, diving, and adopting” is not a bio that keeps the swiping quick.

But I know I would be an amazing parent. I’d love to adopt a couple of kids, or at the least one, and raise them on treks, volunteering, diving and flying. That chapter would be fun, wouldn’t it? Their first word will probably be “why,” and I will have absolutely earned it.

The possibility of a dream coming true is what makes life interesting, isn’t it?

— Yoki