My Blueberry Nights

“Sometimes, even if you have the keys, those doors still can’t be opened.”

“Even if the door is open, the person you’re looking for may not be there.”

— My Blueberry Nights (2007)

People say the final act of love is letting go. Mine was holding on. Trying one more time, and then one more, until I couldn’t anymore.

I always thought I was the kind of person who could walk away. Respect the other person’s choice, give them the send-off they needed, wish them well and mean it. I literally wrote a whole piece about walking away.

But like they say, until it happens to you, it’s all ifs, buts and wishes.

One more flight

So in June 2026, I flew back to Japan.

I didn’t want to introspect why. Maybe I just wanted to see her one last time, for closure. Maybe I still had a little bit of hope that if we met in person, we’d somehow work our way through the struggles. Or maybe I simply wanted to see her in better health, so I could tell myself I didn’t give up on her when she was at her worst.

At least I got to relive all of 2024. Walking the same street. Walking along the same canal. Knocking on the same apartment door, knowing the person who opened it wouldn’t be the same person.

It’s a hard thing, no? When your happy place is in a foreign country on the other side of the world. Most people’s happy place is a beach or a hammock. Mine needs a visa and a connecting flight. It’s a very, very expensive happy place.

1.6 degrees

The universe, as usual, had a sense of irony about the whole thing.

That same week, Venus and Jupiter had their conjunction. On the evenings of June 8 and 9, the two brightest planets in our night sky appeared just 1.6 degrees apart. Not together. Just close enough.

I met her on June 7th. About one metre apart.

A couple of evenings later, I stood by the canal looking up at the two of them hanging there, almost touching, and thought to myself: this is it. This is the closest I’ll ever be to her, maybe for ever. And there’s no next approach to look forward to.

At least Venus and Jupiter get another go. Their next close approach is in November 2028. Mine isn’t on any astronomy calendar.

One last puff

For a guy who never had a second thought about walking away, or as people put it, jumping like a monkey from one branch to another, I struggled to walk away from this one person.

Like an addict who relapses at every try. Like a smoker who swears he’ll quit right after this one last puff. I kept coming up with one last attempt, and then another, until I had no cards left to play. The monkey, it turns out, had finally found a branch he liked, and kept hanging on long after it had stopped holding him up.

Maybe

Maybe I should have simply walked away. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered to try at all.

Maybe I gave it everything just to satisfy my own conscience. Maybe I didn’t really bother about what she was going through. Maybe I’m not empathetic enough to see things through her eyes. Maybe it’s always been about me.

That’s a lot of maybes for one guy. I’ve been turning them over since June, and none of them has won yet.

At least

If it all filters down to me doing things to satisfy my ego and my conscience, so be it. At least I’ve put it to rest. I did everything I could to hold on to her.

Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory. I just took the long way down.

— Yoki